Archive for the ‘Fly on the Wall’ Category

I’m not saying this is how it happened…

This is probably not how it happened…

I’m just sayin’, it could’ve happened this way…

16 March 2011, 9:00 PM EST….The Oval Office

President Barack Obama, Vice President Joe Biden and Secretary of State Hilary Clinton are frantically discussing the negative public reaction to the presidents inactivity regarding the situation in Libya….

OBAMA (frantic): I’m screwed.

BIDEN (nodding): You’re screwed.

CLINTON (shaking her head): You’re not screwed.

BIDEN: No… he’s pretty fucking screwed.

CLINTON: Shut up, Joe. He’s not screwed. I have a plan.

OBAMA and BIDEN: A plan???

CLINTON: Yes…a plan. It’s very simple. What we’ll do is go to the U.N. with a plan to install a no fly zone over Libya.

OBAMA: NOOO!!!!! I’m not doing that, Hilary. It’ll be nothing but trouble and it’s too hard anyway. And besides…I’m just getting ready to go to Brazil. I’m all psyched to go see that big Jesus statue.

CLINTON: You won’t have to actually go through with it.

OBAMA (staring at Clinton): We won’t?

BIDEN (staring at Obama): We???

CLINTON: Shut up, Joe. No… we’ll never fire a shot.

OBAMA: Ok…I’m all ears.

CLINTON: Look…we’ll hit the U.N. with this plan for military action. You know they’ll never go along with it. Hell…we’ll even tell them that France should be the “tip of the spear”. Who in the world would ever buy that??? I mean, France??? C’mon, O. Don’t you see the elegance of this?

OBAMA: Hmmm….this sounds ok so far. There’s no way the U.N. will go along with that.

CLINTON: Exactly! And even if they do ok it, there’s no way in the world that Russia or China will ever let it go through. One or both will use their Security Council veto power and kill it.

OBAMA: So we go to the U.N. with a plan to look like we’re doing something…..

BIDEN: …which we actually have no intention of doing…..

CLINTON: …then either the U.N. will vote it down…

OBAMA: …or if they don’t, the Russians or Chinese will veto it….

BIDEN: …then we go public to the people…..

CLINTON: …telling them how we were all ready to ride in like the conquering heroes and defend the poor rebels against the tyrannical oppressor that has ruled over them for a generation, but the evil, America hating U.N. put the kibosh on our plan and left us helpless to do anything!!!!!

OBAMA: I like it.

BIDEN: Fuckin’ A! Fuck the fuckin’ U.N. in their fuckin’ asses!!!

***silence***

OBAMA: Joe, you really need to get a grip on that before you go do O’Reilly, ok?

BIDEN: Sorry, boss…

CLINTON: Anyway….the American people already hate the U.N. They’ll totally buy this ruse and you can ride a wave of righteous indignation and popularity right into a second term!

OBAMA: And you’re sure the U.N. will vote this down???

CLINTON: Absolutely. And even if they don’t, there’s no way the Russians or Chinese will let it go through. They have too many ties to Libya.

BIDEN: Fuckin’ Chinks!

CLINTON and OBAMA: JOE!!!

BIDEN: Sorry, boss…

CLINTON: Anyway….it’s a great plan. What could go wrong???

OBAMA and BIDEN (shrugging): What could go wrong???

 

17 March 2011, 5:30 PM EST….The White House Situation Room

Obama, Biden and Clinton have just received word that their plan was approved by the U.N.…..

OBAMA: SHIT!!!!!!

CLINTON: Ok…just relax.

OBAMA: SHIT!!!!!

BIDEN: What a fucking mess….

CLINTON and OBAMA: Shut up, Joe!!!

CLINTON: Look… it’s ok. We knew this might happen.

OBAMA: What?!?!? No we didn’t!!! You said this was a foolproof plan!!!

BIDEN: Yeah! It didn’t foolproof me a bit, you silly twat!!

OBAMA: Joe, didn’t we talk about the name calling???

BIDEN: Sorry, boss….

CLINTON (gives Biden the finger behind Obamas back): Ok…ok….listen. We still have plan B. There’s no way Russia or China is going to let this happen.

OBAMA: That’s what you said about plan A, you silly twat!!! I don’t want to be in a war! I don’t know how to do a war! I’m not a “war” guy! I won’t be any good at it! It wasn’t supposed to happen like this!

CLINTON: Look…..can’t you just see Jintao and Medvedev laughing and shaking hands over this??? They love killing our stuff with the U.N. They’re probably talking it over right now!

Cut to Jintao and Medvedev laughing and shaking hands

JINTAO: Bwaaahahahahaha!!!!!! This silly, bai chi American president is the best one yet! Let’s both vote for the plan he’s come up with and watch him lose his mind! Lmao!!!

MEDVEDEV: Nyet, nyet….. even better, lets both abstain and leave ourselves out of it all together!!! Haahaahaa!!!!

JINTAO: HAAHAAHAAHAA!!!!!! Even better, comrade!!!

Medvedev and Jintao high five each other….

Cut back to Obama, Clinton and Biden…

CLINTON: I bet they’re laughing at us right now. So smug they are with their veto power. Well, we’ll have the last laugh on this one, Barack.

OBAMA: Yeah….I’m the damn president of the damn United States, and I’ll be damned if anyone’s gonna make me be decisive and statesmanlike if I choose not to be. Bring on those vetoes….there’s a cabana chair in Rio with O’s name on it, brother!

 

17 March 2011, 9:00 PM EST….The Oval Office

Obama, Biden and Clinton have just learned that neither Russia nor China excersised their Security Council veto to stop their plan….

OBAMA: SON…OF…A…BITCH!!!!!!!!!

BIDEN: Oh, that did NOT just happen!!!

CLINTON: okay….okay……

OBAMA: You idiot!!! This is all your fault!!! You and your foolproof plan!!!

BIDEN (dancing): Ahhhahaha….someone fucked up and it’s not Joe……ho, ho, ho……ho, ho, ho!!!

CLINTON: okay….hold on……

OBAMA: Hold on nothing!!! I need this bullshit?!?!? I should be in the Presidential suite of a 5-star hotel in Brazil, tapping the First Ass right now!! But nooooo…..instead I’m at war with the freakball leader of some Middle African Eastern country that is of no importance to us!!!!

BIDEN: But we get a whole lot buttload of oil from them, don’t we O???

OBAMA: NO YOU FUCKING MORON!!!! WE DON’T GET A DROP OF OIL FROM THEM!!!! HOW THE FUCK DID I EVER GET TALKED INTO MAKING YOU VICE PRESIDENT?!?!?!?!?

CLINTON: Well if I got elected president, none of this bullshit would even BE going on……

OBAMA: Wait… what???

CLINTON: ummm…. nothing….

OBAMA: No, really… what did you just say?

CLINTON: What???

OBAMA: No… you said what? I mean, what I said was……

BIDEN: Hey, O… I almost forgot, I was on your Facebook page checking my crops on Farmville and I saw a message come in from Qaddafi. You fucking friended Qaddafi??? What the fuck???

OBAMA: Alright… I mean who knew it was gonna go down this way??? I ignored like 20 requests from him. Then I figured I’d just accept him and ignore him. He keeps answering questions about me and he always says nice things. Look…. just read the damn message!!!

All three lean in and read the message….

Dear Stupid Head,

I just got word from the U.N. Ok… that was totally NOT cool! I mean, don’t you idiots read the paper or anything? I just called a ceasefire and was gonna let the rebels surrender peacefully and then we could’ve all tried to talk shit out. But nooooo….. you have to go get all involved now. Well fuck it. If you’re gonna be a dick I guess I’ll just go on slaughtering people. I mean, what’s the difference, right?

BTW… I’m totally de-friending you. Fuck off.

Signed, Mo

OBAMA (calmly): I’m screwed.

BIDEN (nodding): Screwed….

CLINTON: okay ……….okay …………….

(I would say there is certainly going to be more to this. GH)

Advertisements