Monday, May 2nd 2011
Dear Roger Goodell,
While I’m certain that eventually you folks will figure out how to fairly split $9,000,000,000 amongst yourselves and put an end to this silly lockout, it may be awhile before your fans are willing to forgive and forget. In the current climate of our great nation, people are angry and don’t want their everyday lives trifled with. They are not pleased at all about the possibility of not having football….for many, a Sunday ritual that’s as American as grandma’s apple pie…and they’re not afraid to let you know this by staying away from your stadiums in droves.
The league will need a “hook” of some sort to bring the fans back and prevent your stadiums from becoming bleak, empty, non-profitable wastelands in a post-strike NFL.
Well rest easy, sir. I have an idea that may very well be the salvation of the sport and the massive amounts of capital it generates.
The NFL is certainly not unfamiliar with promotions. But one place where the league has been lacking, even behind some of the other major sports, is having events where the fans become interactive and actually become a part of the game.
The NBA has done this for years, having fans take shots from half-court or various other places for large sums of money. Rare is the minor league baseball game where fans aren’t brought on the field between innings to run the bases or race the mascot or what have you.
Well this idea will not only match these promotions, it will far surpass them by not only including the fans, but letting them directly affect the outcome of the games.
I propose that for the duration of the 2011 season… should there be one… all extra point attempts in every NFL game, up to and including the Super Bowl, be attempted by a randomly selected fan.
The concept is simple.
Before the opening kick-off, the host stadium will randomly choose 20 fans from paid ticket holders. They can be male or female, at least 18 years of age and must sign a waiver to the effect that if they get smeared all over the field by a 400 lb. lineman, they cannot bring legal action against the league, any team or player in the league, your office or, most importantly, me.
Each of these fans will be given a seat on the bench to view the game from and a full set of pads and uniform, including a helmet and jersey from each team that they may keep.
As it becomes necessary by virtue of touchdowns being scored, one of these fans names will be randomly drawn from a hat. They will then don the appropriate teams jersey and helmet, run out and join that team in the huddle and then attempt the extra point. They may choose to either kick for a single extra point, or quarterback for a two point conversion. If they complete their extra point attempt, they will be awarded either a significant prize or cash reward.
Any of the 20 that are not utilized will receive an NFL prize package or tickets to another game or something to that effect.
Just imagine the goodwill the NFL will generate when at some point, a fan actually helps his home team pull a game out with just seconds left on the clock!
Or even better, the incredible amount of press and YouTube hits the league will receive when a fan of the team that got scored upon…with a load of personality and a bellyful of overpriced, watery beer, gets selected to kick against their own team. How captivating will it be when that guy or girl runs up, does a quick buttonhook around the holder and kicks the ball the wrong way on purpose….then proceeds to chase the ball down the field and continue kicking it toward his teams goal line until he’s violently subdued by the other team??? Talk about the “Play of the Week” material!! Talk about media exposure that just cannot be bought!! This is all that and then some. This will be historic and may just save the game of professional football.
If nothing else, it will serve to distract the fans from the leagues pitiful financial bumbling.
I mean, $9 billion dollars??? Geez, work it out already, guys…
Mr. Goodell, I understand that this is not your typical sports promotion, and perhaps it needs a bit more refining than what I’ve laid out. But it’s a good starting point.
Maybe you feel that something like this is more akin to professional wrestling than to the fine, time honored sport of football. That the NFL is above such “antics”.
Well, it’s not.
You may say that you’ve survived strikes and lockouts before. That you’ll get through this one as well. That the league doesn’t need to stoop to shenanigans such as this.
I understand that you’ve survived strikes before, sir. Please trust me when I tell you…it’s different this time. People are angrier. They’re tired of the perception of the rich, spoiled players squabbling with the rich, spoiled owners over billions of dollars, while they can maybe only afford to bring their family to one NFL game per year, if that.
Please forgive the vulgarity, but I think you’re gonna have to suck a little dick this time around.
I know you have a lot on your plate, Mr. Goodell. What with trying to get the league back to work and all. This is why I’m handing this to you on a silver platter, so you can just focus on your strike.
You just feel free to go right ahead and implement my plan. We’ll work out a fee and where you should send my check later.
If you have any questions, or would like to add anything to this plan but wish to consult with me first, just email me at the above address. I’ll be happy to be of further assistance.